I feel like I take one step forward and three backward. Work is stressing me out and I am constantly on the edge of a verbal explosion. My patience is almost nonexistent and the headaches are back AGAIN. And, the negative thoughts are eating away at me, telling me that I’m nothing. A failure. A loser. Grrr. What am I doing wrong? What is going on?!
I’m soaking up information and learning new things in my reading and meditation adventures. But I’m having a hard time applying those principles to my daily life. I’ll go a few days and feel like I’m making progress but then I quickly get bogged down with incessant demands for my time and energy. There’s not enough me to go around. I feel alone, misunderstood, and unappreciated. My to-do list is out of control and I’ll never get ahead. I want to get in my car and drive until I reach a random destination. Then, I want to find a hotel room, curl up in a bed, and cry for hours. Right now, I just want to check out of my life for a few days and absolve myself of any responsibilities. THAT is what I want. I’d rather have a few days away than $1000 and Lord knows I could use some extra cash.
Exhaustion is a motha…
I was a Doctor Who podcast guest earlier this week and I had a blast! I’ve had the honor of doing several guest spots on incredible podcasts and I have been thinking about starting my own. I love a ton of pop culture things and I want to do something lighthearted and fun with an analytical slant. Right now, I know my life is too out of sorts to pursue this dream but I hope to join the podcast arena as a host one day.
And holy moly Stranger Things is back TODAY! I enjoyed the first season immensely and I cannot wait to see my sons and daughter again lol. For those who aren’t familiar, Stranger Things is a Netflix series that focuses on a group of pre-teen boys in 1983 who find out that their small Indiana town has a sinister side. They meet a young telepathic girl named Eleven who helps them solve the mystery of their missing friend. It’s 80s movie homages galore and features several storylines which all come together beautifully in the end. I thought season one wrapped up wonderfully but I think the show left a few questions open for a second season 😊
I binged the first season over a 24 hour time span but I’m not doing it this time. Not because I don’t want to but because I’ve been super busy lately. Adulting sucks.
As I sit back and wait for The Walking Dead premiere, I am feeling great about the week ahead. This weekend, I took my daughters to the NASA open house event to celebrate their centennial year of operation. We live in Hampton, now known as the place where the events of Hidden Figures took place and it was incredible to walk on the same grounds where Katherine Johnson quietly made history.
My oldest daughter is 8 and the Hidden Figures book/movie have had a profound impact in her at any early age. She now wants to be an aerospace engineer and I want to do what I can to help build and support her life vision. She was in awe of all the wind tunnels and computers. It gave me joy to see the wonder in her eyes.
After a few hours at NASA we made our way to our local comic convention. I managed to see a con friend Stephanie and I made my way out of the vendor room without doing too much damage. Stephanie is the brains behind Red Fish Rue Fish, a company that makes metal bracelets, pins, iron-ons, and much more. I bought my three year old a bookmark and myself this cool Ravenclaw bracelet. I couldn’t get the word “wit” into the photo but Potterheads know how we roll.
My mom came to my house today and we took the kids to the pumpkin patch. It was nice to get out in a field with a wagon and shears while we searched for the perfect pumpkins. I felt a sense of calm in the middle of no where.
And, to cap off a great weekend, I am overjoyed about the latest Doctor Who news!! I am thrilled about Jodie Whittaker as the first woman Doctor, even if I don’t see it as a “representation win.” BUT I think I’m even more excited to see a Black male AND a woman of color (Mandip Gill) as her companions! I haven’t had time to formulate my full thoughts and hopes for them, but I am hype! Look at how wonderful the TARDIS will be with more diversity! Thank you Martha Jones and Bill Potts for paving the way.
So much happy in two days! I hope this feeling lasts all week long 💕
Do you love Doctor Who? How do you feel about the companion announcement?
Let me know how your weekend went and what you want to happen this week.
You know what I’ve been going through for the past few months, but what do I have coming up in the next couple of months?
Right now, I’m working on an essay about The Walking Dead‘s Michonne. I have enjoyed going back through a few select episodes and reliving her journey from a quiet, isolated warrior to Rick’s voice of reason and the backbone of our favorite group of survivors. I have been a regular contributor for The Learned Fangirl throughout the year and I enjoy every working with the amazing editors.
Of course, I always have something related to Doctor Who up my sleeves. I’ll be a guest on a podcast this month and we are going to cover a verrryyyyy interesting Bill Potts episode. Can you guess which one?
Orion’s Chains is still my priority and I’m hoping to have some Stranger Things pieces on the way too! I’m slowing down a bit as the year closes and making sure my emotional health comes before anything else.
I hope the rest of your week is grand 💕
I have been around or at home for the past few weeks, so this weekend I packed up my car and took my daughters to go see my dad in North Carolina. This time of year is always difficult for my father. Today is his mother’s birthday and although it has been over 20 years since she passed away, he still feels the magnitude of her loss as he celebrates her life. Our family is also still reeling over the loss of my Uncle Alonzo this past June. My dad has several siblings, but they had an extremely close bond and his death has changed him in ways that words cannot properly describe. There is a spark missing from his eyes and a tinge of sadness that permeates through his laughter and smile. Uncle Alonzo meant so much to him and to all of us and I’m sure we will never be the same. I’m dedicating my book Orion’s Chains to him and fashioning a character in his honor.
I spent most of last night and this morning talking and laughing with my dad about love, life, friendship, creativity, music, and so much more. I didn’t realize how much I needed to hear his words of wisdom and encouragement. And, he was uplifted by my children as they told him knock knock jokes and giggled at the dinner table. He recently lost his beloved dog Tommy and he admitted to feeling lonely as he came to an empty home after work. His afternoons would be spent with his dog as he waited for my stepmom to get home. It was the last thing he needed to happen at this crucial point in his life and I was glad to bring him a slice of happiness during a turbulent time.
I honestly didn’t think my presence could be beneficial to anyone at this moment. I’ve been caught in my own emotional storm as I battle my own mind and feelings of inadequacy. But, I have found a renewed sense of purpose and a burst of creativity and determination through spending just one day with my Dad.
This week, take a moment to pick up the phone and call or go and see someone that you love. It’s amazing how one great conversation can give you the boost you need to walk into this week with confidence.
Love to all of ya and I’ll see you on Wednesday 💕
This week has gone by fast. I’ve been working on my novel Orion’s Chains and I have officially mapped out my entire story. I am doing bios for each of my major characters and doing some research to bring a little fact into my fictional world. Orion’s story takes place in the future and on another planet so I have the creative license to make my own rules and societal structures.
If you have kept up with my posts, then you’ll know that I’ve been reading The Four Agreements. I admittedly haven’t gotten too far in the book, but the first chapter has been an eye opening experience. The author discusses how we are domesticated like animals from the time we are born and taught to accept and respond to the dreams and truths laid out in our worlds before we were born. We are indoctrinated into these “truths” and we quickly learn that when we go against the grain we will be punished in some way. I’m assuming that the book will help to break some of those chains (pun intended) and help guide me toward spiritual freedom. I think Orion’s Chains will take a lot of cues from The Four Agreements.
As I work on my book and another project, I have been putting together playlists to correlate with my writing moods. I plan to share them here when they have filled out properly, but right now I’ll tell you a few albums that are inspiring me right now:
- Sabrina Claudio: Sabrina is a new artist and she just released her first full length album. About Time is a soothing R&B experience and Sabrina’s voice is addictive.
- Solange: A Seat at the Table is the album of my life. It feels like Solange took every thrilling, heartbreaking, frustrating, and liberating moment of my life and wrapped all 30 years into a musical masterpiece. If I ever meet her, I’ll make sure I thank her for feeding my soul.
- Sango: I guess I have a think for S names. Sango released North in 2013 but I just discovered it this year via a Twitter pal. I can play the whole album without skipping a track and it helps me get into a futuristic mindset for my book.
- Stranger Things Soundtrack: Aaahhhh the 80s. I love volume one of this soundtrack. It’s synth heavy, haunting and brilliant.
What are you listening to this week? Let me know 💕
This week was interesting. One of my closest friends reached out to me for a status update on my social media-less life. She was the fifth person to text me and ask “How are you?” I responded to her message the same way I did to the others because they were all people who KNOW me – I’m not well and my life feels like it’s in shambles but I’m working one day at a time to find peace and joy.
I could sense my friend’s troubles through the text message, so I threw the question back to her in hopes of an honest response. She spilled her innermost thoughts to me and revealed that although she seems to have it together as a mom, wife, employee, etc., she felt waves of unhappiness. She was unfulfilled and had stuffed her feelings away from friends and family. Like me, she was stressed and on the verge of breaking into pieces. We spent the next hour taking with each other and finding comfort in our mutual feelings.
She wanted to know what I thought and I only had one piece of advice for her – find a way to define yourself outside of your relationship with other people or what you do for a living. This is the most efficient path towards feeling “whole” as an individual. Most people answer the “who are you?” question with their roles in life – mom/dad, sister, wife, etc. but those titles have nothing to do with who you are and focuses on what you are to other people. The same goes for a job title – it’s what you do, but it doesn’t define the rich, complex, and brilliant essence of your life. When I said this to her, I was talking to myself as well.
I have the same roles as my friend – mom, sister, daughter, and wife. I work in banking during the day and I write at night. But my life is more than my roles. I am the sum of my beliefs, quirks, dislikes, private thoughts, and passions. I’m a continuously evolving combination of energy, light, love, darkness, and confusion yet I’m always and forever me. And being me is enough. I will continue to seek an adequate answer to define myself and it will change as I gather new information and experiences. Right now, I’m diving into The Four Agreements and my definition of self might shift after I complete the book 😊
Who are you? It’s a challenging question with no right answer. I hope you ponder on it this week. Live well and I’ll “see” you on Wednesday 💕